I grew up without a father. I know how it feels. When I became a father, and my two sons were young, I had trouble hugging and kissing them. I had never experienced a father doing that for me. Thankfully, I shared my reticence for nurturing with my wife, who promptly told me, “Get over it and hug your sons.”

I did get over it. And today, I travel the country telling men of all ages how they can be good fathers. From The Oprah Winfrey Show to small community center all-purpose rooms, I am blessed to be able to spread the gospel of responsible fatherhood. One thing I never forget is that moment my wife told me to, “Get over it.” It reminds me that being a good father is dependent upon a good relationship with Mom.

Recently, I appeared on Oprah and was taken aback by the response— the magnitude of the response— by women. The show was dedicated to helping fathers reconnect with their children— about helping them be the dads they can and need to be. To the credit of Oprah and her producers, it was a great show. I’m sure we helped the men on stage and in that audience immensely.

But what surprised the people at Oprah was the response they received from the women watching that show. Scores of women wrote or e-mailed to say they had never realized how men felt, what it must be like for their spouse to be a father, and how they themselves were getting in the way of good fatherhood.

Soon afterward, I was back on Oprah speaking about fatherhood again, but this time talking to women. We talked about how couples must stay focused on being both husband and wife and mom and dad. About how tending to the marriage is important to every member of the family, including, and especially, the children. And how women need to better understand the stress men face as they try to be good providers and good fathers. I also told women that, sometimes, they need to just get out of the way.

One of the most important messages I try to get across to men and women is that together they both have to rewrite their personal scripts, or better yet, throw away the script altogether. I tell men that they have to give up trying to be the kind of father they want to be, or the kind of Dad they wished they had when they were kids. Instead, they have to be the kind of father their child needs them to be— nothing more, nothing less.

I tell women to remember who and what their husband married. Once baby comes, so many women start to look at their role as a wife through the lens of being a mother. And mother they do! They mother baby, they mother the pets, and— here’s the bad part— they mother their husband. That’s not exactly what he thought he was getting into, or what he wanted, when he said, “I do.”

Step number one for husbands and wives is to recognize how you are defining your own roles in the household, for better and for worse.

I ask husbands and wives to think together about the purpose of communication. In far too many marriages, communication becomes about assigning blame. But it’s not about fault. What it’s really about is improving the quality of relationships, because the well-being of children is intimately tied up with the quality of the relationship Mom and Dad have with each other.

Husbands and wives need to revisit the entire notion of “best friend.” How many times have we referred to our spouse as our “best friend?” Take a moment, however, and analyze how we treat our best friends and how we treat our spouses. Usually, we find we would never treat our best friend the way we treat our spouse. This goes for men and women.

Children are healthier and happier when their parents’ marriage is healthy. Plus, boys learn how they are supposed to treat women by watching Dad interact with Mom. And girls, by watching how Dad treats Mom, learn what they have the right to expect from men when they grow up.

Too often in marriages we focus on the “how,” not the “what.” We get obsessed with ensuring that our spouse takes on a parenting chore and does it just like we do. That bath time is done “just right,” or diapers fit on baby’s legs “exactly like this,” or baby’s dinnertime is handled “just so.” I hate to sound sexist, but usually this is Mom expecting Dad to be just like her. The result is almost always that Dad just stops doing it, or feels intimidated, belittled and incompetent.

Steps number two and three are to focus on the quality of the marriage, and to stop worrying about exactly how bath time or dinnertime is handled and, instead, start enjoying the fact that your spouse is jumping in and being an involved father.

Of course, there’s much more to building a strong marriage and, therefore, strong parent-child bonds, but these suggestions make for a valuable marriage and parenting self-analysis.

But what about fathers who know the bond with their children is weak? Do what I did with my boys— go to breakfast. Not Dad, Mom and the kids— just Dad and the kids. Regular breakfasts featuring Dad and one child at a time are a great way to strengthen that bond. These breakfasts have no agenda. Fathers should be forewarned though— when you start taking your child to breakfast don’t be surprised if your child has little or anything to say. Rebuilding a father and child bond takes time. So even if the first breakfast is a dud, just go ahead and schedule the next breakfast.

Being a good father is never easy. It’s impossible, however, to overstate how important it is. That’s why moms and dads have to be equally committed to ensuring that their children enjoy a good father-child relationship and to getting beyond worries about fault and blame, and instead focusing on what matters: a healthy marriage and healthy, happy children.

Roland C. Warren is president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, the nation’s leading organization dedicated to promoting responsible fatherhood. He can be reached at The National Fatherhood Initiative, 101 Lake Forest Boulevard, Suite 360, Gaithersburg, MD, 20877, or via e-mail at info@fatherhood.org. To learn more about the National Fatherhood Initiative, visit www.fatherhood.org.