The Power of Five
Ways to build a strong emotional connection with your child.
We invest so much emotional energy into our children because we love and want the best for them. However, the powerful emotions behind our care can either work for or against the connection we develop with our children as their parents.
Sadly, many parents unwittingly wear down this emotional connection when they fail to show enough understanding, are overly reactive, react impulsively or overlook themselves, even their own value. To make and keep your emotional connection strong, consider following these five tips.
1. Realize disciplining your child starts with your own self-discipline. You will be more connected with your child by holding yourself accountable. Look at your own thoughts and behaviors instead of overly focusing on your child’s problems. Unless you view your child in a fair, realistic manner, you really don’t stand a chance of being empathetic to him, and you can’t work through challenges. And let’s face it: Kids won’t open up to parents who they perceive as unfairly judging them.
Letting yourself get swept away by your own toxic thoughts such as, “He never listens” or “With that lazy attitude, he will definitely fail in life” will erode your connection with your child. Such toxic thoughts damage your relationship with your kids. Don’t underestimate how strongly your child perceives your thoughts or hears your words. Think about how many adults are still in emotional pain while remembering upsetting sound bites or reeling from the disconnect with their own parents. If you become overly impatient or critical, or you yell at your child, first have the self-discipline to explore your role in the situation and how exercising restraint might prove constructive.
2. Be understanding. I have never met an adult who looked back at her childhood and complained that her parents were too understanding. It is of utmost importance that parents are empathetic with their children as they struggle. Understanding your child is even more important than loving him. I highly value love in all relationships, including parenting. Unfortunately, plenty of adult children are disconnected from their parents. Deep down they may admit love. But love is not enough. Understanding and acceptance are far greater gifts for fostering that crucial emotional connection and mutual openness.
3. Be calm, firm and non-controlling. Children and teens who become difficult benefit from parents who can check their ego at the door and not take everything personally. Remember you are not a puppeteer, meaning you cannot control your child by pulling strings. Yes, your child needs discipline, and consequences are a valuable part of good discipline. But when you take away a privilege, stay collaborative versus becoming an adversary. Saying, “See this is what you get for not putting away your shoes” will just foster resentment. Alternatively, a calm, firm and non-controlling mindset helps you bypass your own emotional reactivity as well as your child’s. It prevents you from yelling. Yelling is really an adult temper tantrum that only clouds your child’s mind. Rather, keep your cool, state clear expectations and try to lead with an understanding nature versus a commanding presence. A more connected and effective request would be, “I know you will feel better about yourself by putting your shoes away without me nagging you to do it.”
4. Watch from the ceiling. I am not suggesting you get a ladder and brackets to actually suspend yourself on the ceiling. What I do recommend is being observant when your child and you are not connecting well. If you and your child are arguing, pretend that you are up on the ceiling, watching the interaction. Realize what words are helping versus interfering with connecting with each other. If you focus on the two of you, rather than solely on your child’s words or actions, you should be able to slow down and be constructive.
5. Know your value. As a parent, you hold immense value. It is important to take care of yourself and know your value all along the way. Don’t harshly criticize yourself during inevitable rocky times. Stay connected to your good intentions and willingness to learn from your mistakes. The more you treasure yourself as a parent and as a person, the more your child will treasure his connection with you.
Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a psychologist and the author of Liking the Child You Love, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child and Why Can’t You Read My Mind?(Da Capo Lifelong Books). Dr. Bernstein counsels children, couples and families. Learn more at
www.drjeffonline.com.