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Been There...

Bea Frank is a 53-year-old first time grandma. She and her husband live in Southampton, New York, where they are currently collaborating on a screenplay, building a Web site and Skyping with their new grandchild. Frank also teaches spinning in her spare time and hopes to stay fit for more grandchildren, endless fun and maybe even a dog.

Chronicles of a Stepmom

Fri Sep 02 2011

To be frank, sometimes being a stepmom might mean taking a step back and backing off.

There was a doorman where I use to live who would always say, “Time will tell.” It takes time to build relationships with stepchildren. My friends keep asking me, “How much time should it take?” When do parents step in and support their spouses stepping into the children's lives?

Treating people with kindness does not always bring you kindness. Let me warn you new stepmothers of this. Ex-spouses and children whom have not healed from former marriages or parents' divorces can make life difficult for you and your husband. But, step does not mean you should allow yourself to be stepped on while you simply smile. The age of the children does not matter. They could be tots, teens or adults.

If you are not on the same page as your spouse with step-parenting issues, your love story could end up like a horror flick.

Jealousy is quite common with children of divorce. Young children are afraid they are going to lose their parent to a new partner, and the ex is afraid of losing the child to the new wife. Let's be frank. Being a stepmom does not make you a mother; it makes you another person in the lives of your husband's children.

I think the word step is meant for people to watch their steps. It is not your job as a stepparent to raise a child or be a mom to the children whom have a mom. So many issues arise when blending families, and it takes baby steps to secure the foundation of everyone involved.

This August, a friend of mine was never acknowledged as a stepmom or a wife at a bat mitzvah. She was not included. She was not on the invitation as Mr. and Mrs. She was not involved and was told it was not her daughter. Afterwards, she felt sad. She welcomed her husband's children with open arms when they married eight years ago, and is respectful of all the different personalities and moods and visits. She asked me how I would have felt and I said I would be hurt too. I also said I felt it was her husband's responsibility to speak with his daughter about respecting her and the role she plays in his life as his wife. They have a great marriage, but the children have caused much unnecessary heartache between the two of them. They have never been on the same page when it comes to the roles they play. Taking steps towards open communication and discussing sensitive topics such as family, parenting and finances can only strengthen your footing as you step.

When you decide to step, you need to use your whole foot and not tip-toe around topics that are sensitive to you or your husband. Someone who was once very important in my life once said, “Assumption is the mother of all f-ups!” I still think that is a great line. You can't assume anything. You need to communicate and, for goodness sake, look at what you are stepping into. You only step in dog poop if you are not looking.

I think the valuable lesson my friend taught me is my name, Bea Frank, in life. Otherwise, like in her story, resentment destroys the beauty of why you married a man to begin with. My friend now realizes that she and her husband must come first. It is clear there is enough love between she and her husband to share with all of their children. Feel the love, be the love and love yourself. It is ok to remind everyone, even little ones, to wipe their feet before coming into your home. Leave the dirt outside. Inside, feel the love. In time, wounds heal and don't let the ex mark the spot in your life with your husband and all the children.

Be frank…not afraid. Step parenting is fun when everyone realizes what was broken can't be fixed and your love for your children will never change. If the ex has not moved on, kids tend to feel guilty and protective. It is up to the ex to grow up and move on, and if he or she can't, try not to let this get in the way of you.

Having more love is not such a bad thing considering the decision to remarry included the decision of how that person would treat your children, no matter how young or old. As I listened to my friend speak of her husband with a twinkle in her eyes that I had not seen since we were kids, I reminded her to be thankful she met a man who continues to light up her life and enjoy him. Sometimes kids will remain kids and not grow up to be respectful, caring adults. As the doorman said, time will tell. Frankly, she is having more fun now with her husband then she ever did in her entire life, and we've been friends for 30 years. I feel her love, I feel her pain and I respect her and our friendship. We know many moms are stepping, so feel free to share your stories with us and add to our list below of useful books on step parenting: